A bit abstract and sentimental

Money didn't come in today...who's surprised? You know, I really don't want to turn into this cynical and generally negative person - the stinging kind. I've known (and know) lots of people like this, and I find that I'm never really all that thrilled to be in their presence. So when I make comments like I just did, about how I'm not surprised, and being sarcastic - I think it's just my way of coping with the overly laid-back way around here. Everything orderly and compulsive in my brain (and that's most of it) fought tooth and nail against even thinking about adjusting to this way of life. But it lost. It's not to say I'm used to it, because I'm not. But I'm learning to expect it and accept it.



So Monday would have been my Mom's birthday. That makes me sad. I still miss her a lot - not in some sort of ideal romanticized kind of way - even though we fought (much more when I was living at home) we had come to an understanding where we could talk, share, and be involved in each other's life. It wasn't the perfect relationship by far, but it was one I would have liked to have kept for longer than I was able to. When I was on the bus today I was wondering what she would say or think about me being here. For those of you who knew her, you knew she was prone to worrying (a bit of an understatement). I remember when a group from my dorm went on a missions trip to New Orleans. At one point a few of us got semi-lost downtown. When I was telling her about it, she totally freaked out. So I think if she were still around, the thought of me in Israel would turn her into one big panic attack. However, I also think she'd be really proud of me. To be perfectly honest, in the part of my brain that's more a spectator to my life rather than an active part (does everything have thoughts coming from that area? if not, that's okay) I'm proud of me too. Not because I'm doing anything really great and amazing...cause most of the time I'm barely making it here. But just because I came. And stayed. :) I think staying is the more extraordinary part to my brain, because it was there for all the not-so-great moments. One of the other interns said to me during the wedding reception last night, "I think having your own apartment will go far in making you feel at home in Tel Aviv." This is the same intern who often gives such unsolicited advice that, regardless of her intent, always comes across as patronizing or condescending usually because they come from completely out of the blue. It's not like her comment was in response to me saying, "I just don't feel at home here..." We were just eating. Nonetheless, she's right in a way. But today as I was mopping (the Israeli way) in my apartment, I realized that I already feel somewhat at home here. I never would have thought I could get used to never really knowing what's going on around me - understanding the mother tongue of your country is something I always took for granted. But I am used to it. I've been able to be much more introspective because of it too, because it's not like on the bus I can distract myself from internal pressing matters by listening to someone else's conversation.



This is sort of random. I'm feeling strange today. I'm sad from thinking about my Mom, and I'm happy thinking about settling down here. But there's also a part of me that is sad about the fact that I'm settling in here. That would be the sentimental and emotional part that longs for the comfort of a known language, a familiar place, old friends, and my "old" life. Moving on in something everyone does many times throughout their lives, I know. It's necessary. I just don't want to dishonor my previous home/station/place in life by moving on too quickly and/or flippantly. Does that make sense? I think it could be considered very similar to grief. It's something that comes, whether you want it to or not, and you really have no choice about whether to experience it. And even though it's painful, part of you wants the experience, because in some sense it's the last way to honor that person. (Certainly their memory is honored, but that's not what I'm talking about here.) I think I suffer from the tragic delusion that I'm going to hit my peak in life somewhere along the way without knowing it, and therefore part of my brain keeps on looking back, enjoying the good times, reminiscing, etc. just in case it's all downhill from here. What a wretched thought to even entertain though! And it's so not true. It's so funny how life has been a consistently getting better - not easier by any stretch of the imagination, certainly - but better in a different way. I wouldn't go back, back to any of my previous "home"s for anything.



This is all so abstract and sentimental. It probably doesn't make any sense. I just wanted to share my heart with all of you. I fear that I've been doing much more of sharing my days, plans, and mind rather than my heart. And that's unfortunate.



So tomorrow is when I'm moving in. I cleaned today over there, I'm going to pack everything up tonight, and Mary and Eylon are going to help me move tomorrow morning. I could go on about why I think they are two of the most amazing people I've ever met, but I would hate to sound repetitious and insincere. I'd rather say nothing than have anyone doubt the true sincerity of my heart towards these two people God has so obviously placed in my life and used tremendously in such a short time. Anyway...we're going to go eat, and then packing. Love you all!